The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.