I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.