The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
my sentiments exactly
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.