The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.