The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
work smarter, not harder
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.