The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*