The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …