[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?