My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
repaired