“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Had an epiphany today.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been