The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.