The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture