The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.