The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.