The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]