The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Tough love is true love
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.