The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.