The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
You Might Also Like
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The happy life.. 😊
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
synchronized noseblowing
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”