The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
me adding lol on a serious message
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit