The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“That’s what” – She
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*