The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same