NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Breaking news:
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure