The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m sure it’s fine.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
How funny!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Wait a second…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.