The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You Might Also Like
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Canadian owl: Eh?