@CatherineLMK: The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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@DaHess1: Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
@Parker_Simpson: Thinking ab including nude photos of me in my Tinder profile to weed out women who vomit easily
@TheBoydP: [two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?