The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
That time Alicia messaged me
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?