The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language