[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Follow me for more life hacks.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.