[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
thanksgiving in nutshell
All set.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.