One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Just me?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now