The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part