The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.