The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Worth the read.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?