@SkunkFarts: The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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@jonnysun: sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
@Petote: My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
@chimneyspotter: *reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk* ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
@Free_the_DJ: When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.