@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SondraDeeMe: [train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.
@Jandalize: I'm fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
@UNTRESOR: Hi, I'm Brandon and I'll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are "ur mom", "lol own3d", and "u mad bro lol u mad?!??!"
@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.