The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.