@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
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@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@gitson_shiggles: If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....
@SteveSuckington: [approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"
@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.