The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.