@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
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@TylerLinkin: 1. Rent storage unit 2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue 3. Place bodies in storage unit 4. Stop making payments 5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
@ANastyGorilla: My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
@aparnapkin: Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks