The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it