@hrtbps: The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies" "There ain't no Jews here!" "Double negative! Search the attic, boys"

@flashember: Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

@IGotsSmarts: The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”

@ericsshadow: STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@nextpotmodel_: i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.