The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”