The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
#merica
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.