The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
True freaking story!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
crazy