The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar