@AmishPornStar1: The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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@SortaBad: Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
@kibblesmith: Nice try "Marco Rubio" — or should I say... [rearranges letters] "BIRAC UBOMA" [audience gasps]
@iamburtjarvis: what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human? thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.