The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
181.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works