in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*