Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense