@trentistweeting: The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"
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@chuuew: BOSS: Can I see you in my office? INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don't know how many more ways I can explain this to you
@PeachCoffin: *admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
@angeliav68: Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: You each have a gift WORM: What's mine? G: You…spin silk BEE: How bout me? G: Uh…make honey HIPPO: And me? G: Hm…eat marbles