@trentistweeting: The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"
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@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.
@tastefactory: Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT
@KrazykurtKurt: I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha 's No one notices, I dont know why I bother. hahahabananahahaha
@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.