[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My biological clock is wheezing.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.