@Try2StopME: The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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@TheMichaelRock: Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.
@SladeWentworth: McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.
@upsidedowntrash: Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail