The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Breaking news:
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
🙋♀️