interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.