Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk