“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Support your local cemetery
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I wanna be friends with this person
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”