The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt