@myonlymizztake: The answer to the question, "do these jeans still fit" depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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@0point5twins: - Fred, Velma, Shaggy... Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals? - Rhino - We know you do, Scooby, but it's not your team's turn
@thepunningman: [interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
@1Happytwit: You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.
@filthyson: How to make-out - 1. Hold her close 2. Kiss passionately 3. Don't mention the budget deficit or your father