the answer was staring at me all along
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The days of good grammer has went
Shoo shoo! 😂
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse