The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I have a black belt in leather
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake