The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
subtitles are so good nowadays
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck